


Drink Some Fucking Tea

by Nele



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Go the Fuck to Sleep
Genre: Children's Literature, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-06
Updated: 2011-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-27 00:23:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nele/pseuds/Nele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of 'Go the Fuck to Sleep'. During season one, Iroh unloads some frustrations about his beloved nephew that he can't very well voice out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drink Some Fucking Tea

**Author's Note:**

> 'Go the Fuck to Sleep' is a hilarious children's book-style rant from a very frustrated parent. This bit of nonsense may be more enjoyable if you first take a look at [the very short text of the book](https://gist.github.com/967267) or listen to [this wonderful five-minute dramatic reading](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xtcB457jqQ). It's probably not very in character for Iroh to use this much modern-day profanity. I'm just trying to stick to the atmosphere of the original :)
> 
> [ADDED 10/10/2016: OH MY GOD SOMEONE PODFICCED THIS CHECK IT OUT IT'S AMAZING NO ONE'S EVERY PODFICCED MY STUFF BEFORE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8252990/chapters/18910427)

The scary Fire Lord is far away in his volcano  
And Azula is nowhere to be seen.  
You’re cozy and safe on your ship, Prince Zuko.  
Please drink some fucking tea.

The engines are quietly chugging  
As we sail through the icy southern sea.  
I’ll teach you one very last kata if you swear  
You’ll drink some fucking tea.

The Avatar has soared over the horizon  
And we’re lucky our ship didn’t sink.  
I know you want your honor. You told me. Stop shouting.  
Sit the fuck down, my nephew, and drink.

The wind barely covers Zhao’s howls of fury.  
Such a lovely sound, don’t you agree?  
You won an Agni Kai, can’t you be happy for two seconds?  
Coal and ashes, what the fuck? Drink some tea.

You deserve to be wet and miserable.  
Invading Kyoshi Island was a horrible idea.  
Hell no, you can’t have the fucking Avatar.  
You know what you _can_ have? Some tea.

I told you a storm was coming.  
Why must you always rush? Can’t you think?  
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, nephew.  
For real, cut the fucking crap and drink.

You’ve been out all night bothering Zhao  
And still you don’t sleep a wink.  
How is it you can sneak into Pohuai stronghold  
But you can’t stop pacing long enough to have one fucking drink?

Enlighten me, Prince Zuko, what kind of blistering idiot  
Sends a shirshu into a nunnery?  
Enough with this nonsense. You’re out of control.  
I’ve got two words for you, brat: fucking tea.

Lieutenant Jee sings a stirring love song  
And the sparrow-gulls chirp and tweet.  
Come to fucking music night, how often must I ask you?  
Quit your moping. Play the tsungi horn. Drink some tea.

Flames leap high from the wreckage of our ship  
As I pull you from the debris.  
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass uncle.  
Stop almost dying on me, please, drink some tea.

Zhao’s fleet unleashes doom and destruction  
While I stand here and openly weep.  
Sure, fine, whatever, go swim under the North Pole.  
Who the fuck cares? You’ll never drink your tea.

We’re on a raft in a tealess ocean  
But at least you’re here in one piece.  
You can get back at the waterbender next time, Zuko.  
Let’s first find some land and some tea.

I’m poisoned and starving because you listened to Azula.  
At least give me a name that doesn’t stink.  
I might slip some white jade into _your_ tea, Junior,  
But of course you just won’t fucking drink.

Now I’ve got you cornered. A job in a teashop!  
Tea as far as the eye can see.  
Oh shit. The bison’s here. You’ve gotta be kidding.  
Come on, drink some more fucking tea.

THE END

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Drink Some Fucking Tea [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8252990) by [so1thought](https://archiveofourown.org/users/so1thought/pseuds/so1thought)




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